24 June 2009

Coach Richie Rod ridden out of town on a rail – Wolverine fans rejoice everywhere

Following an unbelievably disappointing 3-9 season which set the record for the fewest wins in the glorious 130 years of the program, Michigan has decided to fire coach Richie Rod after only 1 season. A source inside Michigan wanted it to be known that coach Rod was not fired because of his inability to win games. “At Michigan, it’s not just about wins. Character is much more important to us than wins and losses” he said.

When asked for the real reason that coach Rod was fired, the insider said “well, in a nutshell, it’s basically because coach Rod is a douche bag.” When asked to elaborate, the source said “just look at the obvious stuff. Firstly, he signs a contract with his previous school stating that he won’t leave, but if he does leave, he’ll pay them millions of dollars. Less than a year later he leaves them anyway and then refuses to pay them the money that he said he would. Then, he goes and draws the entire thing out until it’s an embarrassment for everyone involved, but he still won’t pay them the money that he owes them. Finally, he waits until Michigan has had enough of the entire embarrassing situation and they pay half of the money he owes for him. Everyone can see that this is first class douche baggery.”

Our source then went on to say “on top of this, he doesn’t know the first thing about Michigan football, the most storied college football program in the country. He knew nothing of our traditions. This was exemplified when he came in here and gave the #1 jersey do a freshman cornerback when anyone who knows anything about Michigan football knows that the #1 jersey is reserved for only an elite wide receiver who has proven that he has earned the right to wear the vaunted #1 jersey. This proves that Coach Rod didn’t even take the time to google Michigan football before starting.” When asked how much it was going to cost Michigan to fire Coach Rod after only 1 year I was told "Nothing. Coach Rod signed a character clause, which is also known as the 'douche bag clause'. He failed to meet the requirements of the clause so we don't owe him anything."

I then asked the insider who was going to take Coach Rod’s place and I was told that he is being replaced by Jabbar Briggs. “Who the hell is that?” I asked him. “Well, after the blunder that was Coach Rod, the Michigan staff decided to go in a completely different direction. With Coach Rod, we decided to go with a proven winner and not bother with getting a ‘Michigan Man’ and that didn’t work out well at all. Instead we’ve decided to go with a ‘Michigan Man’ who will look out for the best interests of the university and put the university first instead of himself. This will be a refreshing change and, in hind sight, it’s what we should’ve done in the first place.”

I was unable to get any more details about Coach Briggs from my source. I was also unable to find any coaching records on him at the pro, college, or even high school level. He seems to be a complete unknown. Coach Briggs was unable to be reached for comment, but I will do my best to try to track him down and get some information on him.

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