Exclusive interview with Michigan's new head football coach

With the recent firing of Rich Rodriguez and the subsequent hiring of the complete unknown, Jabbar Briggs, sports journalists have been falling over themselves to get information on this coach. We here at the maize rage have been granted the only interview with coach Briggs. Here is what went down.

MR: So the college football world has been a buzz with your recent hiring. The first, and most obvious question should come first. Do you have any coaching experience?

JB: None whatsoever. I’ve never coached football, or any other sport, at any level before. On top of this I’ve never even played football before. My only football experience of any kind is watching it on tv and playing it in video games.

MR: Wow! So what made Michigan think that you are capable of leading a college football team?

JB: That question I will leave for the University to answer. All I can say is that I managed to garner an interview with them and I laid out my philosophy in great detail and Michigan liked what I had to say. Now my next step is to show the ones that hired me, and more importantly, the fans that I’m more than just talk and that I can back it up as well.

MR: What are your feelings towards coach Rodriguez?

JB: I won’t discuss my personal feelings towards coach Rod. He’s a great coach and I know that he’ll land on his feet again. I will, however, say just a few words on his coaching performance last year. Firstly, as a lifelong Michigan fan, it was really painful to see them go 3-9 last year. Yes, we lacked offensive talent. Yes, we didn’t have the types of players that Coach Rod needs to be our best. However, I feel that it was coach Rod’s own stubbornness that caused our downfall last year. He refused to adapt his coaching style to fit the players he had. Instead, he tried to force his players to play a style in which they didn’t have the physical skills. In short, he tried to shove a bunch of square pegs into some round holes. The real travesty is the fact that he, himself was in control of the holes and he could shape the holes however he needed so that everything fit. He refused to do this. This is all I have to say about coach Rod.

MR: While doing research on you, I found out that you attended Michigan State University. Surely, that must be a mistake, right?

JB: Ha ha! Nope. It’s no mistake. I grew up in Lansing, MI which is about 10 minutes from the MSU campus. After high school I joined the Air Force since I had no money for college. After the Air Force, I came back home to use my GI Bill money for school. My parents had moved out, but they didn’t sell their house and allowed my wife and I to stay there, rent free, until I graduated. That made it a no-brainer to go to MSU, even though I grew up as a wolverine fan. It could be worse. I could’ve gone to that lesser school down south!

MR: Are you referring to Ohio State?

JB: Yes, but you’ll never hear me utter those horrific words. I have a very normal (for a wolverine fan) hatred for those silver guys down south and it is my number 1 goal to beat those bastards as many times as I can. It’ll be rough at first because, in all honesty, they have tons more talent than we do, but I’d never use that as an excuse. I don’t believe in excuses. I want Big 10 titles. I want national championships. Above all else, I want to beat those silver guys into the dirt. I want my guys to leave their cleat marks all over their backs. I will not stop until this happens. Given the talent gap that exists between us right now, it’ll be tough, but I enjoy challenges.

MR: I have one final question. What are you immediate goals for this current season?

JB: Firstly, I plan to get Michigan back into a bowl. I want to get us back into the top half of the Big 10. I want to bring the Paul Bunyon Trophy back home where it belongs. Those goals I believe are easily attainable (suck on that MSU!). I also have one that will be scoffed upon by most, but my goal is beat those silver guys from down south.

MR: Thank you for your time. I know you must be really busy getting your wolverines ready for the season.

JB: Thank you. I would just like to say one thing to the wolverine fans out there. I promise that I will not disappoint you. I understand that I’m beginning from scratch pretty much, but I will bring Michigan back to their glory days. It’s an incredible honor to be walking in the footsteps of coaches like Yost, Schembechler, and Carr. I do not take my role lightly, and I will do everything I can for true fans of the Michigan Wolverines.